Nobody at school likes me.
People say they do, but they’re lying. They can’t stand me… Even if they say otherwise, I know the truth. But that’s alright. It is. Because I can’t stand them either. It’s their fault that things are like this. Not mine! I didn’t choose to be born ‘Jake Cockburn’ but they chose to make my life a living fucking hell over it…
See, I’m a pretty nice guy. But when a nice guy like me gets pushed, well… That’s when society needs to be afraid. Even the Devil gets scared when a nice guy loses his temper. I read that online somewhere. It started last year when my Mom got a new job, and just because of that we had to uproot our lives and move to an entirely new town, away from all my old friends and everyone I knew.
I guess it’s hard enough starting high school, but it gets even harder when you have to do it in a new place… I figured that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe if I said the right things, people would think I was cool… They just laughed at me.
“Hey Cockburn, does your cock burn?”
Yeah. That one never got old… Neither did:
“How’s it going, Cock Boy?”
The funny thing is, I didn’t even hate my last name before I started high school. Cockburn. It’s British or something. Tons of people have British last names… But within just a couple of weeks, I hated the name.
I hated the school.
I hated the teachers…
I hated everything…
It’s not that I didn’t try and ask for help! I talked to the teachers, and I talked to the guidance counselor! They just told me I was ‘overreacting’. I tried telling the bullies off. They just suspended me for swearing at them and my Mom yelled at me! So what else was I supposed to do?
I put up with this abuse for all of the ninth grade and by the time summer came around, I was almost relieved… No more school. No more bullies. I could just be on my own, relax and play video games in peace.
But summer had to end and the day I walked back into the building on the first day of Grade 10, I was greeted with:
“Yo, what’s up Cock Boy!”
No escape.
No respite.
Only more and more abuse…
And I couldn’t do one more year of this. I wouldn’t.
Since I don’t have a lot of friends (nobody wants to be friends with Cock Boy). I spent a lot of time online, hanging out in forums. A couple of guys I talk to brought me into this one group chat of theirs, for other outcasts like me.
It’s kinda nice talking to people who actually understand for a change… When I told them about how unbearable my life was, they listened. They told me about the horrors they’d all endured when they were my age and told me the horrible truth. It doesn’t get better and anyone who says that is just trying to manipulate you. It only gets worse and none of them had figured out how to change that. None of them except Kurt, at least.
Kurt was one of the coolest people I’d ever met. He was 28 and he had it all figured out. He knew how fucked up the world was and he knew there wasn’t any easy way to fix it. He said that the world is designed to keep men like us down and it started in high school. Institutionalized ‘education’, is the promotion of a toxic social hierarchy that was designed to allow beta males to break down alpha males and distract them from addressing the real issues at play. He said that women were brainwashed into not wanting us, the job system was rigged to make it impossible for us to get into it (and it was a scam anyway, the only reason they didn’t want us working was that we’d see right through it) and society as a whole was meant to betray us.
He talked a lot about his ideas for fixing it, like taking society back to an earlier, simpler state where men were absolutely free. He wrote a lot of essays on Reddit about the necessity of pursuing freedom at any cost. He talked about how Real Men needed to be unafraid of conflict in the pursuit of freedom. In one of his essays, he said:
“Freedom isn’t free. A lot of people use excuses to get around this. ‘I work. I have a family. I have too much to lose.’ But they don’t realize that unless they fight, they have already lost everything. The Alpha Male is repressed. Shunned from modern society out of fear. The Alpha challenges the status quo and that is to be feared. They are right to fear it and their rhetoric, designed to keep the Alpha down is scarily effective. But the fact remains that in order for an Alpha to be set free, sacrifices must be made. At times, this includes entering the realm of criminality or doing things this so-called society views as wrong or taboo. Sometimes, it is necessary… No. Mandatory to unleash the Alpha and demonstrate to them that their fear is justified. Think about the Mexican cartels. Nobody dares fuck with the cartels because they know what will happen if they do. A similar logic needs to be adopted by the Alpha Male. Examples must be made of those who try to repress the Alpha. This is the only way Freedom can be achieved.”
His words opened my eyes… All my untapped potential was being wasted. Discarded. I was an Alpha in a cage. I was the outsider for a reason… It was more than just my stupid last name. They were all afraid of me. They hated me for what I was… And I hated them in turn.
The tipping point came a few weeks ago… We had a new girl at school, Mila. She’d just moved to our town. I could tell just by looking at her that she was scared. I knew that fear better than anyone…
Looking at the meek, shy smile on her face, I knew that I was the only one at this school who could ever understand her. She was in my science class during the second period, right before lunch. The teacher said she needed a lab partner for the rest of the year. I was the only person available. I got into a fight with my last lab partner after he turned out to just be another bully. He kept saying I was making him do all the work by himself. He didn’t understand that when you live a life like mine, you’re exhausted all the time. I skipped the second period every now and again, sure. I needed a break. The work wasn’t that hard anyways… But all he did was whine to the teacher. He said it was about the work. I knew that it wasn’t. He just hated me like everyone else hated me…
But Mila… She was new. She didn’t know me. She shouldn’t have had a chance to hate me yet. This was too perfect… She would be my first friend. Maybe even my girlfriend. I knew that all those sad Betas who’d tortured me over the past year would shrink back in shame once I let my true Alpha self shine through. When she sat beside me on the first day, I didn’t talk to her, even when she said hello. I just tipped my fedora to her and then stared out the window. I didn’t want to make myself seem too into her at first. Kurt always said that you had to make a woman earn your affection.
I could tell that Mila was a little bit shy… But that was okay. It was good for a girl to be shy. Kurt said it should turn a guy on. I watched from the corner of my eye as she took notes on the lecture. I didn’t bother with them myself. I’d probably remember it all anyway.
The class was pretty uneventful and as the clock ticked, I planned my move. I was going to ask her if she wanted to have lunch with me. I kept sneaking discreet peeks at her while she was working. She was a lovely specimen of a woman. Perfect for an Alpha like me… Everyone was going to be so jealous when we started dating! The bell rang. It was time.
I looked over at her as she started to gather up her things and I said:
“You and me. We’re going to lunch.”
It wasn’t a question. It was a request… And she just stared at me, probably awed by how I took charge of the situation. I should’ve had her, right then and there… I should’ve had her…
She tripped over her words, unsure how to speak in the presence of an Alpha… But when she spoke, she didn’t say the words I expected to hear…
“Sorry. I’ve actually got another class next!” She said and forced a smile. Then… She left.
Another class… Maybe that was true. We had rotating lunches. Different people had lunch during different periods. And yet the way she’d said it… I didn’t like it.
Did she know about me? Did she know about my dark past? No… No, she couldn’t. She was so new. Pure and untainted… She couldn’t know.
I got up to leave and headed down to the cafeteria. The chicken burgers at my school were pretty good, so I had one of those, and when I stepped out onto the cafeteria floor… I looked around, knowing in my heart that I’d see her.
I was right.
There was Mila, sitting with a few other girls and talking with them… And the sight of her broke my heart into a thousand little jagged pieces. They’d already gotten to her, corrupted her, and turned her against me. Damn, they worked fast…
I felt rage boiling over in my stomach… But I didn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t worth the risk of getting in trouble. She’d just make up some excuses about why she hadn’t wanted to have lunch with me and they’d just say I was overreacting again. I sat down on the floor and had lunch alone as per usual… But I wasn’t sure just how much more of this abuse I could take.
When I got home, I went onto the forums and poured my broken heart out for the others to see. I sang my mournful song of tragedy and loneliness. Kurt was online… And he was there for me.
‘Sorry to see your hopes get dashed, man.’ He said in a reply. ‘I know what it’s like. They brainwash them from birth to reject the Alpha. It’s the mothers that do it. I’ve said it before. Girls should not be influenced so heavily by their mothers. They need their father in their life as the dominant parental figure. The bond between them has to be closer than their bond with anyone else.’
Did that mean that Mila had been lost to me before we’d even met? That didn’t make me feel much better…
‘I’m tired of living this way. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m alone and rejected all the time by everyone. How do I fix this?’ I posted.
A few minutes later, Kurt replied.
‘Diamores.’
Diamores? What the hell was that?
I asked, and he responded with a DM. He’d never DM’d me before…
‘Diamores is how we fix everything. It’s a way to return the world to its rightful state.’
That still wasn’t much of an answer… But Kurt continued.
‘I only summoned it once. But it helped when I needed it. It’ll help you too. Just make sure you do it right.’
Summoned? I asked him what the hell he meant by that.
‘There’s only one way to defeat the institutions that govern everything. They’re so old and powerful that there’s not much socially we can do. I’ve said before, that sometimes we must break from what this so-called society considers normal… Sometimes we must venture into the unknown to achieve true Freedom. Diamores is part of that unknown. Most people won’t accept that, though…’
Well. This conversation had just taken a hard fucking left… But whatever Kurt said had to be true. So I was interested.
‘How do I summon Diamores?’ I asked.
‘Simple. I’ll send you diagrams for the circle you must draw. I’d recommend carving it into a wooden floor, but you can also draw it in salt if you have to. Next, you need a metal bowl. Something that won’t burn… And lastly, you need something precious to you. Something you truly love. You need to burn it in the bowl and breathe in the smoke before you chant the summoning incantation. If you do it right, He will come to you.’
Following that message was a picture of a circle with lines in it. It looked like it would be hard to make in salt. But I had a wooden floor I could mark up. My Mom would give me shit but that didn’t matter.
‘How will Diamores help me?’ I’d asked.
‘Depends. Partially on what you burn, and partially on what he can do. But he will help you. Trust me.’
I trusted him.
I used a knife from the kitchen to carve the circle into the floor of my bedroom. My Mom wasn’t home yet, so she wouldn’t complain. Then, I took one of the mixing bowls from the kitchen and a lighter.
I honestly didn’t know if this would actually work… But why would Kurt ever lie to me? He’d never do that! I had to think hard about what prized possession I would offer into the fire. But I eventually decided to burn one of my anime figures.
It didn’t really light at first, so I had to wrap it in some old bedsheets before it caught. The smoke smelled really bad and made me gag, but I breathed it in and when I did, I said the prayer that Kurt had given me.
“Diamores, Diamores, Diamores. Accept this offering and come unto me, oh burning King. Bestow your blessings unto me, burning King. Grant your gifts unto me, oh burning King… Diamores, Diamores, Diamores…”
I didn’t know what to expect… I didn’t even know if this would work. Then, downstairs, I heard the front door open.
Shit!
My Mom was home!
I got up, feeling a sudden stab of panic. She would flip if she caught me doing this! I didn’t want to be grounded again! I didn’t deserve to be grounded again! I could hear her footsteps on the stairs. I could hear her calling out to me:
“Jake?”
Shit, shit, shit! I had to get rid of the fire… Black smoke billowed out from the bowl, a lot more than there had been before. It was almost filling the room. Mom would’ve seen it. I had to get rid of the fire! Without thinking, I grabbed the blanket off my bed and threw it onto the burning bowl.
I probably should not have been surprised when it caught fire…
I heard my Mom calling my name again:
“Jake!?” There was more panic in her voice now.
She threw my bedroom door open, charging into the inferno and looking at me. The black smoke made it almost impossible to see her… It filled my lungs and choked me. The flames were growing higher and higher. Mom reached out for me, trying to grab me, and then…
Then…
I don’t remember anything. Not until after it was all done.
When I came to, I was lying on the grass outside, looking at the night sky. My entire body hurt… I tried to move and just felt this stabbing pain in my… Everything.
I started screaming… It wasn’t very Alpha of me to start screaming like that, but I wasn’t able to deal with the pain! It was like every part of my body was broken and the blood… Looking down at myself, all I could see in the low light were dark smears on my shirt. I knew they were bloodstains. Was that my blood? Oh God, was that my blood?
It was around that time that I finally realized that the grass I was laying in was in the backyard of a house I didn’t recognize. I looked up, my vision still a little blurry and stared at this house… Above me, I could see a broken window. Had I fallen out?
I could see a figure in the window, staring down at me, eyes wide and terrified.
Mila.
She stared at me, breathing heavily, looking terrified… Had she seen me fall? Why was she here? Was this her house? Why was I at Mila’s house?! She disappeared again, turning and running back inside.
I tried to call out to her, to beg her for help but… She was already gone by the time I found my voice. Even then, all I could do was utter a faint rasp that she probably wouldn’t have heard anyways. I could feel blackness tugging at the edges of my vision and I was so afraid to let it take me… I didn’t want to die here, not even knowing what had just happened! What about my Mom? What about the fire? What about Mila? How did I get here? I didn’t want to die like this!
I didn’t want to…
I slipped away again. Even though I fought it, I slipped back into blackness.
When I woke up again, I was on my feet. It was still dark outside and I was standing on a sidewalk. My entire body was still in pain. I could see flashing lights, blinding me as I came to again. Police sirens. I could see Officers approaching me. One of them had his gun drawn.
“Son, I won’t repeat myself!” He snapped, “Put your hands above your head, now!”
I just stared at him… And then my legs gave out. I collapsed hard onto the ground and started to fade again. I could feel the police surrounding me. I could feel one of them forcing my arms behind my back… It hurt… I could feel the bones shifting. Was my arm broken?
Oh God, what had happened?
I screamed. I cried… It didn’t matter.
I’d lost consciousness again as they picked me up.
When I woke up again, I was in the hospital.
The pain was gone…
I blinked slowly, wondering if maybe this had all been a bad dream… But… No. I could feel the handcuffs shackling me to the hospital bed. I could see a pair of officers outside my room, and I could hear them talking.
They were watching me.
Oh, God…
Why were they watching me?
What did I do?
It was the next day that the cops spoke to me… I didn’t believe the things they said to me.
Apparently… I burned down my house that night. I burned down my house, with my Mother still inside it.
Witnesses saw me leaving the inferno. I don’t remember that… I’d never… Not to my own Mom…
When I was done, I’d gone to Mila’s house. I’d knocked on the door and when her father answered, I’d… I’d murdered him with a kitchen knife… Then I’d gone after Mila.
She’d been hiding in her bedroom and when I came in, she managed to get the drop on me. She pushed me out her window in the resulting struggle.
I think that was when I woke up the first time…
After that, according to Mila, I’d picked myself up and started walking away. I’d made it about a block before the Police found me.
According to my Doctor, it was amazing that I’d made it that far. I’d broken my arm and several ribs in the fall. Plus, I was cut pretty deeply from the glass when I fell out the window. I’d lost a lot of blood. I don’t think that’s so amazing…
I think that’s terrifying.
I know that I wasn’t myself when I did those things… I know that it wasn’t me in control. But when I told that to the police, they just ignored me. Of course, they did… It sounds crazy to even suggest it.
When I get better, they’re going to put me on trial. I don’t think I’m going to win. I don’t think I should win…
Nobody visited me in the hospital. I don’t blame them. Nobody at school ever liked me and I’m starting to understand why…
Well.
That’s not entirely true.
Somebody visited me.
He came in a couple of days after everything happened. I didn’t recognize him at first, I’d never actually seen a picture of him. He was tall, had a bit of a gut, a large beard and he wore a bowler hat.
I don’t know how he got past the cops. But somehow he did and he was smiling as he entered my room.
“Hey, Jake. How are we feeling?”
Obviously, my first question was:
“Who are you?”
“A friend.” He replied, “I can see that Diamores answered your call, huh?”
Diamores… My blood froze in my veins.
“K-Kurt?”
“In the flesh.” He replied, “It’s scary the first time, I know… But you get used to it. You come to appreciate His gifts.”
“G-gifts? Kurt, do you know what it made me do? My Mom… Mila’s Dad…”
“Obstacles in your way.” Kurt replied with a shrug, “Diamores saw the injustice carried out on you and sought to rectify it. He will do so again. This is what he does. It’s his purpose. You should be thankful… You’re clearly not strong enough to be one of his Disciples but he’s chosen you anyway. That’s one hell of an honor.”
“How do I make it stop?” I asked, almost on the verge of tears.
“You don’t.” He replied, “You belong to Him now. He’ll take away your weakness… He’ll make you strong. Set you free and clear your path to be the Alpha you need to be.”
“I don’t want to be an Alpha!” I cried. There were tears streaming down my cheeks now but I didn’t care… “I don’t want this! You’ve got to take it away! I don’t… I don’t want this anymore!”
Kurt just scoffed.
“Then you really are weak.” He said, “But Diamores will fix you… Just give him time… Anyways. Just wanted to wish you a quick recovery and check in on you. Don’t worry about all this…” He gestured to the handcuffs and the cops outside. “Diamores will free you from it when your body is ready for him…”
He smiled before approaching my bed and patting me on my shoulder. I flinched away from him.
“And in time, you’ll thank him… And you’ll thank me.”
With that, Kurt turned away and walked out. The cops didn’t try to stop him. They didn’t even seem to notice him as he walked past… The nurses didn’t notice him. He moved like a ghost, walking through the hospital without being seen. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to my Mom, to Mila and her family… I’m sorry to the people I’ve treated like shit… I’m not sorry to the guys who made fun of me… Fuck them. But I’m sorry to everyone else. I was an asshole. An angry, miserable person, and I lashed out at everyone because of it. I wanted to be cool, I wanted to think I understood the world. But I don’t understand anything. I never did.
Well. I understand this, I guess. I’ve fucked up… I’ve fucked up so badly that there’s no going back. I can’t let this happen again. I can’t let Diamores take me again. I don’t want to hurt anybody else! I don’t want to become something like Kurt!
So… I’m going to try and do something good. Something that makes sense. Tonight, I’m going to ask the cops to uncuff me so I can go to the bathroom. Then I’m going to break the mirror. I’ll use a towel to muffle the sound… And then I’m going to use the shards to kill myself.
It’ll be…
It’ll be scary.
It’ll hurt…
But maybe if I die, then I won’t be able to hurt anyone else.
Besides, nobody’s going to miss me anyway.
Credit: anonymous
